The Seven Deadly Conference Sins

We've all been there. 

Moving, shaking, getting stuff done at an industry event. 

Hitting up investors for contact details and meetings. Meeting fund managers who can potentially add value to an investment portfolio. Looking for new business prospects among investors and managers. 

And then it happens. Knowingly or not, we commit one of the Seven Deadly Sins of Conference Attendance. 

Duh duh DUUUUHHHH!

There is perhaps no better way to curtail your most earnest conference efforts than to commit one of the following breaches of event etiquette:

The First Deadly Sin: Chasing Investors Like It's A Zombie Apocalypse

(c) Resident Evil

We all know the shark-to-seal ratio at most investment industry events isn't exactly even. As a result, the investors in the room tend to get a lot of attention. You can see them at cocktail parties, during coffee breaks, or just walking across a room with a trail of hungry investment managers and investor relations folks in their wake. Once, at a GAIM conference in Monaco, they gave out actual proximity detectors to participants. It was like watching the movie Aliens, with investors playing the role of Ripley.

I know every manager that spends money on a conference is hoping to get maximum time with investors, but please, slow your zombie roll. Don't mob investors, and try to keep your interactions to a bare minimum to keep the flow going. You're not going to sell anyone on your fund over a granola bar in a hotel hallway. Keep it simple. Your name. "I'd like to introduce you to my very interesting fund when you have a moment - can I get your card?" Move On. And if an investor is obviously trying to get somewhere (to the coffee, to the can, to a meeting) give them a little breathing room. They'll actually think better of you for it.

The Second Deadly Sin: Hiding From Managers

(c) Mean Girls

Probably as a result of the first deadly sin, some investors have taken to disappearing during networking opportunities (breaks, cocktails and lunches), in the hopes of grabbing a little peace and quiet and piece of mind. As tempting as this may be, it can be beneficial to resist the desire to escape the maddening crowd. I'm assuming that investors go to conferences to find great investing opportunities. Eating lunch in a bathroom stall (ok, your hotel room) probably isn't the best way to find them. 

The Third Deadly Sin: Cutting In Line

(c) Family Guy

A panel of investors has just finished up. You really want to talk to one (or more) of the presenters. A line of eager fund managers and conference participants has formed as the panel exits the podium. You wait patiently while they smile, shake hands and give cards to those in front of you. Then, out of nowhere, someone comes up, jumps the line and starts chatting up the investor. Worse yet, the next session starts and everyone has to move to retake their seats, leaving dreams of making contact with those investors unfulfilled. NOOOOOOO! So you. Yes you line-jumping fund manager (or marketer). Don't. The investor knows you did it (even if they can't always stop you). The managers who were patiently waiting know you did it (and are silently fuming). And you just look kind of like a tool. Just say no to line jumping. 

The Fourth Deadly Sin: The Nameless Text

(c) Tropic Thunder

You managed to score an investor's card at a cocktail party, lunch or during a break. "What the hell," you think. "I'll send them a text to see if they have time to meet for breakfast or coffee in the morning." So you send a text: "Great meeting you last night. Grab a bite tomorrow am?" The only problem? The investor has NO FREAKING IDEA who you are. For all they know, this message could be a misdial from someone else's beer-goggled evening.

It's never a great idea to text investors anyway, unless you have an imminent meeting or they've given you express permission, but texting without identifying yourself and assuming that the investor will remember you out of throngs of fund managers is just silly. Include your name and the fund name. Or better yet, send an email. 

The Fifth Deadly Sin: The Drive By

(c) The Dukes of Hazzard

Similar to the hiding from managers, the drive by occurs when investors, usually those scheduled to speak, attend an event only for their session. Fund managers, lured to pay event fees in part by the hugely cool and monied speaking faculty, get gypped out of their hard-earned dollars and investors get cheated out of finding good investment ideas for their portfolio. A true lose-lose.  

The Sixth Deadly Sin: The Close Talker/Cornering Folks

(c) Seinfeld

Conferences are crowded. Conferences are loud. Investors are scarce. One-on-one time is at a premium. That's still no excuse from getting all up in someone's personal space. I have literally been backed into a corner at an event before and, let me tell you, I was not amused. I also once attended a conference after just getting Invisalign. I wasn't entirely used to the Invisalign trays yet, and had just hurriedly scarfed a mint when I was corralled by a fund marketer. Before I knew it, the mint flew out of my mouth and landed on the marketer's arm. I tried to be cool - I picked the mint off of him, said "um, I think this may be mine," and slunk off. But seriously, if you're so close that an Arthur Bell promotional mini-mint with lisp velocity and zero aerodynamics can hit you with enough force to stick to your skin, you are too damn close. An arm's length for distance is a good rule of thumb here. 

The Seventh Deadly Sin: No Business Cards

(c) American Psycho

This one can be a bit tricky as both investors and fund managers are at times guilty. Generally speaking, investors eschew business cards to avoid a post-conference email zombie apocalypse, while fund managers and marketers either don't bring them to (Machiavellian interpretation) force investors into giving their cards up, or because (poor planning interpretation) they underestimate how many cards they will need. 

Dear All: Conferences are networking events at heart. Bring cards and enough of them. That is all.

So there you have it.

Before you hit up your next Hedge Fund, Private Equity, Venture Capital, Institutional Investor or other industry event, make sure you are up-to-date on conference etiquette, or risk being judged in attendee purgatory.  

Getting Jiggy With It

Music is an important part of my daily life. Whether I’m ignoring other passengers on a plane whilst rocking out under my favorite Beats by Dr. Dre headphones, dancing out a bad day in my kitchen, or scaring little kids at the ice skating rink with my early morning musical selections, the music I listen to is a great indicator of my mood and a reasonable barometer for my life at any given time.

In fact, many of my regular readers have noted that there is almost always a song lyric hidden somewhere in my blog postings, and I have even occasionally been challenged to work in specific lyrics - a challenge that is almost always accepted, by the way.

It’s perhaps no surprise then that as I was winging home from yet another conference on Friday afternoon, I began to think about my various fund manager and investor conversations over the prior two days and decided that maybe what the investment industry really needs is a playlist.

That’s right, we all need a break from chasing capital, being chased for capital, due diligence, the low return environment, watch lists and pitch books, so why not get down and get funky? 

So without further ado, here are reasonably comprehensive musical stylings for nearly every fund manager and investor mood. The song list and use cases are below, and I’ve even created a Spotifly playlist for those of you who want to break out your best Carlton Banks dance moves. 

“Money” - The Flying Lizards – For both investors and fund managers, because isn’t that what this business is all about?

“I Need A Dollar” – Aloe Blacc – For pre-launch fund managers in search of their initial funds.

“Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want” – The Jealous Girlfriends – For any fund manager about to go into yet another meeting after a string of ‘maybe in 6 months, in 1 year, when you get to XX dollars.’

“Uprising” – Muse – Been blocked out of an opportunity by a gatekeeper or a bigger fund? This song will build your motivation to overcome them and succeed.

“Price Tag” – Jessie J – Been blocked out of an opportunity by a gatekeeper or a bigger fund? This song may help you keep that loss in perspective and your blood pressure in check.

“Patience” – Guns-N-Roses – Investors should have this playing in the background as fund managers wait in the conference room…

“How Soon Is Now” – The Smiths – …while fund managers who are on their third, fourth or fifth meeting in months hum this under their breath.

“What Have You Done For Me Lately” – Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings – Question that should be asked by every investor to their long-time funds.

“Shake It Off” – Us The Duo – Get a bad due diligence rating from a consultant? Fix the problems and shake it off.

“Every Breath You Take” – The Police – How every investor I know feels at the end of a conference.

“Just Got Paid” - *NSYNC – You got an allocation! Woot!

“Mo Money, Mo Problems”  - The Notorious B.I.G. – Sure it’s great to gather more assets under management, but as you do, you’ll have to spend more time thinking about your business, operations, compliance, staffing, etc. And it may be harder to generate returns. Being bigger isn’t always glamorous. (Explicit Lyrics)

“Money For Nothing” – Dire Straights – What anyone outside of the investment industry probably thinks about your job.

“Billionaire” -  Travie McCoy & Bruno Mars – The morning prayer of every emerging fund manager. (Explicit Lyrics)

“Did I Shave My Legs For This” – Deena Carter - For any investor who’s walked out of a meeting with a fund manager that was ridiculously off the mark based on size, performance, fund age, experience, drawdowns, strategy, etc. That was an hour of your life you’ll never get back.

“Fighter” – Christina Aguilera – When an investment you thought was great, isn’t.

“I’m Still Standing” – Elton John – When you are coming back from a drawdown.

“Everybody Knows” – Concrete Blonde – When you’ve been trying to gather assets for months and keep seeing bigger funds get bigger, even if your performance is better. This one may require a stiff drink.

“Somebody’s Watchin’ Me” – Rockwell – Oh the joy of being on an investor’s or consultant’s watch list.

“Extraordinary” – Liz Phair – You know that if investors ever got to know you, they’d want to give you money!

“Holding Out For A Hero” – Bonnie Tyler – Investors see hundreds of funds a year – this should be playing as they walk down the hall into yet another meeting.

“We Are The Champions” – Queen – When you get your first institutional allocation.

"Don't You Want Me" - Human League - When an investor or gatekeeper won't take your calls or schedule a meeting with you. ('You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me...')

“Have You Met Miss Jones” – Tony Bennett – When you read my blog postings. 

Got suggestions for songs I didn’t include? Sound off in the comments below. And happy listening!

Running On Empty

I love this time of year. The airport delays. The wonky weather. The smell of burning dust in the heating vents. Snow panic that empties grocery store shelves of white bread and whole milk, even if the temperature is stubbornly in the 40s.

Oh, and the look of shiny hope on the faces of fund managers everywhere. 

Ahhhh.....

But before conference season road trips get too far underway, it's probably a good idea to think about where managers are spending their (finite) fund raising resources and where they could ease up on the gas. 

(c) MJ Alts

BINGO!

As we commence another year of the great capital raising dance, I thought it would be fun to channel all of the back and forth, yes and no, hide and seek frustration into a little game. One that harkens back to a happier and simpler time, and one that anyone who has ever been under 12 or over 60 is familiar with.

So yes, ladies and gentlemen, this year we're gonna play a little Capital Raising BINGO. Simply print out the appropriate investor or fund manager card below and mark off (and date) each time you get a designated response.

The first investor who gets a BINGO can draft me as a single-use meat shield at an event.

The first fund manager who gets a BINGO will also get a prize, custom tailored to the fund in question. 

Happy capital hunting! And may the BINGO odds be ever in your favor!

(c) 2017 MJ Alts

(C) 2017 MJ Alts

2017 Is Still Warm...I Can Turn It Around & Take Us All Home

When I was a young lass in Nineteen Never Mind, I used to spend Christmas Day with my mom and the week after Christmas with my dad. He would come for my sister and me in Tuscaloosa, Alabama and drive us all the way to Ft. Worth, Texas for another week of holiday overeating and unwrapping.

It was about a 12-hour drive, door to door, but we tried to make the best of it. My sister, stepbrother and I would clamber into the “way back” with a cooler full of Cokes,bags brimming with healthy snacks like Pop Rocks, potato chips and Slim Jim’s, nestled securely next to my Dad’s Coors that he snuck over state lines, Smokey & the Bandit-style. There, we’ll loll about (with no seatbelts), stuffing our faces (not dying from the Pop Rock/Coke combo) and alternate singing, sleeping and snarking at one another for the entirety of the 12-hour trip.

At some point, we would inevitably get on my Dad’s nerves. There would be over-the-seat, disjointed swats, strong language and finally a threat to “TURN THIS DAMN CAR AROUND AND TAKE EVERYONE HOME.”

We kids thought that was super funny. 

What wasn’t hilarious, however, was 2016 - an epically craptastic annum bad in so many ways that it even made Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve performance look apropos.

So, while 2017 is still barely warm, I thought I’d give it a little, tiny warning.

If y’all pull the same stunts this year that you did last year, I’ll turn this year around and take us all home. At the very least, I’ll figure out how to off everyone using nothing but Pop Rocks and warm Coors. You get me?

What am I talking about specifically? Well, here are some of my key investment industry pet peeves from 2016:

Looking in the same tired places for returns, and then pretending shock when they don’t measure up – Investors from Kentucky to New York and a few states in-between reduced or redeemed their hedge fund portfolios in 2016, based in large part on lackluster “average” returns. While many point to “average returns” in the neighborhood of just under 5% though November, perhaps it’s best to look at how the best (and worst) performers are faring. Articles have shown top performing hedge funds gained 20% or more through November 2016. And over the four quarters ending 3Q2016, top HFRI decile funds gained 29.54%. The bottom decile funds lost 15.57%. So there are funds that have performed strongly over the last 12 months IF an investor was willing to look for them and perhaps take risks on lesser known, newer, nicher or funds otherwise “off the beaten path.” It kind of reminds me of the old joke “Doctor, doctor, it hurts when I do this…” How ‘bout in 2017, we stop doing that, lest it continue to hurt.

Using “averages” to talk about investment funds, particularly alternative investment funds – Speaking of, with the kind of return dispersion above, why don’t we stop talking about “average returns” full stop. Even when it comes to white-bread mutual funds, getting fixated on “average” returns doesn’t really help. How do I know? One of the top, non-indexed US mutual funds returned 30% in 2016. Yeah, I said 30-freakin’-percent, more than twice the return of the S&P 500. But by fixating on “average return,” no matter what the asset class, investors may in danger of writing off entire investment strategies based on normalized returns that don’t accurately represent reality. In 2017, let’s focus more on the opportunities unveiled by return dispersion and less on pesky averages, shall we? Oh, and the same thing goes for fees discussions, too.

Saying you want to hire diverse talent, but complaining that you “just can’t find any” – So I’ve heard (or read about) more than one asset management firm complain about how they’d “love to hire women and minorities” but they “just can’t find qualified applicants”, and they’re not willing to lower their standards. Come. On.

Women comprise 50.8% of the U.S. population according to the Census Bureau. Minorities make up nearly 23% of the U.S. population. Do some simple math on the number of women and minorities in a population of 323,127,513 and it boggles the mind that there are ZERO qualified diverse applicants.

Indeed, when I read or hear this, one of a few questions generally comes to mind:

1. How homogenized is this person’s personal network and how might that impact other investment research and decisions?
2. How much effort does this person put into finding diverse candidates? Do they contact recruiters who specialize in the area? Do they go to conferences put on by 100 Women in Hedge Funds, NASP, the NAIC, and others?
3. If there is a pipeline problem in this person’s line of work and they genuinely want to fix it, what are THEY doing to fix this issue in the long-term? Do they bring in diverse interns? Diverse entry-level positions? Do they promote these individuals?

Inappropriate benchmarks – Why, oh why, do we benchmark every damn thing to the S&P 500? It’s become so pervasive that I just caught myself doing it above (the top performing mutual fund invests in small caps, not S&P-level stocks) and I know better. Just because it’s well known, and just because it’s been crammed down our throats by everyone from consultants to financial advisors, doesn’t mean it always fits. Small cap fund? Ixnay on the S&P-ay. Hedge funds? Can’t be expected to outperform in bull markets because they are HEDGED. Private equity & venture capital – comparing illiquid investments to a liquid benchmark seems a bit silly, no? So in 2017, let’s either agree to benchmark appropriately so we can make a sober decision about whether an investment has performed well (or not) OR let’s just decide to sell everything and invest only in the S&P 500, since it’s where it’s at, obviously.

Communicating inappropriately – This may be just a “me” thing, but in 2016 I noted an increasing number of asset managers who text investors. What. The. Actual. Hell. Texting is informal. Texting is immediate and insinuates you deserve an instant response. Texting invites typos. Texting doesn’t allow for compliance review or disclaimers. Unless you are meeting someone that day and need to say you’ll be late, early, or identifiable by the rose in your lapel, or unless that investor has given you express permission to text, don’t. The investors I know who put their mobile numbers on their cards are coming to regret it. And if you lose that, you’ll only spend more time waiting on callbacks.

So cheers, all, to a happy, healthy, prosperous, properly benchmarked 2017. May we lose fewer of my 80s idols and more of our investing bad habits.

Sources:

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2016-12-29/hedge-fund-agonistes-not-even-donald-trump-can-ease-the-pain

http://www.valuewalk.com/2016/12/new-hedge-fund-launches-fall-total-capital-increases-record/

https://www.bloomberg.com/view/articles/2016-12-29/the-year-s-top-stock-picker-didn-t-follow-the-news

https://www.census.gov/quickfacts/table/PST045216/00

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